Flying home from the Tour of California right now. Rockin the inflite Wifi. I think I will start off this post, with the more interesting photos from the trip. They are in a gallery, so if you don’t want to look at them, just skip down. The good stuff is below, but hey – you stopped here at this blog, so get over it.
The Tour of California was good. The race was super fun. Ali digs bike racing, so it was fun to take her there. It has been a long time since I have been to a big bike race. I got to hang out with Ben Coates for a bunch (@trek_ben on Twitter) Actually, I am not really sure why you tune in here, but I guess it is kinda cool that you do. If I was to guess why, it is because you find my life a bit strange and comical. I know I do.
Lately, I have been finding that one of the funniest things that I do is fly on an airplane. Thank god eh, I do it enough.
Right now I am sitting in the exit row. No 1st class for me, no way. I am enjoying the buff leg room and the killer inflite peanuts and cookies. Oh ya. You are jealous. But, there is only one armrest. What is up with that? People with 2 arms require 2 armrests. Seems elementary. In fact, if you have only one arm – you shouldn’t be sitting in the exit row anyway. I mean that door weighs approximately 33 pounds. Says it right on it. What is the “approx.” part added for anyway? Am I going to complain if it weighs 34? “Nope, sorry people. We are not getting out through this door, because I have just discovered that this door weighs more than 33lbs” Give me a break people, if this plane crashes we are all dead, who are they kidding.
But, the real deal in humor is the inflite sky mall. Let me walk you through the pages.
– On the cover is somebody in a NY Yankees jersey, sitting in an “authentic” Yankee stadium seat. Boy, doesn’t that look comfortable. And, for just $1499, you can have these 2 cramped sticky floor hard wooden seats at your house as well. This just proves how stupid baseball is. I mean, anyone who would buy those seats is already flawed because they are baseball fans in the first place. I think that watching paint dry would actually be a better way to spend a Saturday.
– On page 11, are shoes with springs built in that are tagged “gravity defyer”. wow, who would have thought that someone would finally invent flubber for real.
– On page 13, there are 2 different products that purport to help men grow hair back. Now you might think that I would be a potential customer for these. Contrary to what you think, I have a realistic view about this. The first method is dye that “makes thin hair look thicker, in just 30 seconds” I think it is actually paint that you would paint on your scalp and it would try to hide the fact that your hair is thinning. The second is an X5 Hair Laser. The definition says that low level laser light has been shown as the most effective new treatment for thinning hair. REad that again people, “most effective new”. Wow, do you think people actually fall for that? Get over it people, your hair is thin. Knock it down.
– On page 16, there is a life size talking R2 D2. That is pretty cool, I have to admit.
– On page 17, there is an indoor dog restroom. What? it is a piece of carpet that looks like grass that you are supposed to let your dog pee on – in the house. Get this, you can buy this beauty for just $149. Wow, give me $150 dollars, and just let your dog pee on the carpet – it will smell just the same. How stupid are you, people?
– On page 20, there is a telekinetic obstacle course. This contraption you strap on to your head, and think really hard to move a ball through an obstacle course. The picture of the guy doing it, is either moving the ball or he is really constipated. I think this is the same one that was in Napoleon Dynamite.
– On page 24, there is an underwater pogo stick. I’m just sayin.
– On page 27, there is another indoor pet yard thing for your dog to poop or pee in the house. Do some comparison shopping people, this one looks like the bomb.
– On page 63, there is a solution to the misplaced cell phone. it is a wrist cell phone carrier. Your phone is always there and it allows you to flip it open in a flash. Holds your cell phone right by your hand so that you can get to it quickly when you need it. How cool and convenient is that?
– On page 82, a life size Anubis Statue “The Grand Ruler” It is an 8ft tall version of the dog head man Egyptian statue. I know that I need this.
– Holy Crap! on page 83 there is a life size statue of Bigfoot! You know that this is real down in Tennessee.
– On page 88, more mens hair loss treatment. I am telling you, shop around before you buy people.
– On page 104, there is a shoe with 2 springs in them, not just one like that shoe on one of the earlier pages. I see how this works, they get you hooked on the first pages and by the time you get to page 100 – you are in a buying frenzy.
– on page 105, there is a grip strength exercise device to help me with my golf swing. Funny, I never imagined how much golf strength I would need to swing a golf club. come on, if you have to work on your grip strength to swing a golf club you have bigger problems than worrying about your golf score.
– On page 137, there is a Slanket. It is just what it sounds like, a blanket with sleeves. This is clearly a rip off of the Snuggie. Anyone who buys this should be shot. There is a Snuggie right over at Walgreens near your house. If you buy this one, you are just stealing money from the inventor of the Snuggie. Rip off.
– On page 142, there is a shower head that lights up the water streams. You can pick your color. This is in case you cannot stand not seeing the under car lighting on your Honda Civic with the coffee can muffler, while you are in the shower. Plus, do you really think electricity to the shower head – while you are standing under it is a good idea?
But wait, there is more.
– On page 144, there is a dog vacuum cleaner. You expect your dog to lay there while you vacuum the hair off of them. It’s a Pet Styling System people.
– also on page 144, there is a picture of a really embarrassed cat pooping in the human toilet. Priceless. Worth the price of getting to page 144.
I am sorry because I have to go, I have to find my credit card and load up one of those R2D2 guys for my garage.